Ok, dear reader, this may be the silliest thing I have ever admitted, but I am not middle school girl cool. Or a Swiftie, but there was a lot of joy this week when one of A’s classmates and friend gifted me these sweet bracelets and I feel more connected to my pre-teen than I did before. I got “Exile” because it’s one of our (the boys and my) favorite songs. “Champagne Problems” just because and “f**ck the patriarchy” well, I don’t think this needs a reason, but mostly I love that this sweet sixth grade girl made these for me. It’s no big deal {yet it kinda is}.
But I know I’m not middle school cool.
I’m a 45 year old mama who got tired of how things were and let it all drop to the ground and shatter. Now I’m picking up the pieces and trying to make a disco ball to dance under. Now, I’m trying repair damage that I’m told is not fixable. Yet I’m determined to do everything others tell me I can’t.
Maybe I should have had her make me a bracelet with “Lover” or “Wildest Dreams” instead.
This week I got a massage and energy work, all part of my new self care rituals {actually I had a gift certificate, but rituals sounds better}. I have been feeling a lot lately as I move through the muck and the mire of life. Truthfully, I had been doing a lot of growth again and it brought up a lot of self doubt (yea I’m in these circles with creative women, but I don’t have an MFA, maybe I don’t belong there) and comparison (the thief of all joy when you look at other people doing things you know you can do too) and of course, fear (hey, look how you have ruined a relationship , the boys are a little more damaged, oh and hey how are you going to write a novel again). Needless to say, when I am on the precipice of something big and different, lots of stuff comes up to keep me where I am. So I needed a good massage and the energy work to clear all this out of my body!
Face down and having my shoulder worked on, I thought of John Steinbeck’s quote “And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good,” which led me to Mary Oliver’s “You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees— for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.” Both of which I have quoted in these missives before, both I have come to think of as somehow mantras to a well-lived life, but now I wasn’t sure where it left me. Not perfect, not good, but some secret third thing we didn’t know was an option? I felt mediocre at best.
I’m sorry dear reader, this may be the part that goes too far “out there” for you, but if you stay with me, I promise we will get some where. I had been saving up this massage for when I needed it the most and while I had serious hurt my right shoulder six-ish months ago, it seemed that post Europe walking and after some good PT (on top of working through the shadow stuff I mentioned above), it was time to get on the table.
I’m a yoga teacher who was a massage therapist who is super into chakras and energy systems and doesn’t take lightly personal connections, so I like a little esoteric with coffee if you know what I mean.
Right side is thought of as the masculine and that had me thinking of where I was lacking or blocking. Probably not being a good enough provider or protector for myself or the boys, probably a residue of anxiety (or the hurt I carry, I won’t call it trauma). A massage was my attempt to move some of the stuff stuck in my body, but when she got working, it all seemed to be on my left side {as you probably guessed, the feminine side*}.
“Interesting isn’t it?” she said when I asked her to go over my outer hip again, because whew something was there!
“What’s interesting,” I asked, my voice muddled by the face cradle.
“The way our bodies work. Here you come in with tension on your right side, but really it’s your left side that is needing the work.”
Dear reader, it’s so humbling when we think we know what’s happening, but lo-and-behold, it’s not at all what we had in mind. She went on to remind me that the left side, the feminine side is receiving NOT giving, which is what we often think of a mothering/nurturing quality. Which yes, nurturing is very giving, but it’s a container, we are creating love, but ultimately it’s about receiving. Historically, I have not been great at receiving.
“What we resist persists,” the massage therapist tells me. “Drink a lot of water and maybe start thinking about some ways to balance out your feminine and masculine sides.”
I want to shame walk out to my car, but instead I thank her and head to my car and cry.
When I go later to have more energy work done (from a friend who has offered many times to work on me, but I have felt like such a mess, I didn’t want to burden her with it), she tells me that I’m all out of whack. I could have told her that, but instead I listen. “You have to stop resisting what it is to receive and to stop wanting to give everyone everything.”
I let it go silent for a while, because I don’t know what to say.
She “rakes” inches above my body and hums a tune I can’t quite place (turned out to be a Taylor Swift song). “What are you really afraid of?”
I could give her a dissertation, a long list including: the boys not being ok, not having enough to take care of me and the boys, being actually a shitty writer but no one actually tells me so, but it’s the last one I say out loud: “trusting myself enough to have exactly the kind of life I want.”
*BOOM*, mic drop.
*I have a tattoo’s on my left side with the intention of nurturing— a giving energy. The boys and the water sign I have matching. In hindsight, I wonder if this feminine placement is correct. If not the protect and provide side, it is the foundation and loving side. That feels right.