Phew, we have one more week of school and we are all v. ready to be done with school. I know my schedule will change and I am looking forward to the adventures to come as well as the ease and freedom that summer brings. Slow mornings, watering holes, trips to the coast, stepping into a new era of beauty/joy/living life for myself (in hopes it inspires the boys too).
Staycation before the last week of school
We take the lazy river as the sun sets. It’s a perfect end to a Friday night, one that felt like a long day. I roast marshmallows with A and we sit to watch Wall-e on the blow up screen. This is what summer is about.
This is what I want them to remember about childhood.
Laughter, play, joy, and the beauty of summer nights.
The Summer smell of sunscreen.
The late nights outside roasting marshmallows or playing with friends.
This is our tiny kick off of summer before we are officially on break.
He sits with me by the fire and tells me that all he wants is a good break, to hang with friends. “Mom, it’s time.”
I know kiddo.
It’s like I woke up
I’ve had this e-book on my computer 90% finished for a year and a half.
I can tell you exactly when I stopped working on it. I can probably even tell you that I stopped because selling historically hasn’t been my strong suit.
I can also tell you that there is a story in my head about being an “empowered” woman that it is a bad thing, but one morning this week, I just woke up ready to put these things I’ve made out into the world.
The e-book. The course.
The journal. It can go no where, it can be a slow build.
But I’ll be damned if I’m going to die with these creations still in my head/heart.
So, I hit publish. And it sets a fire into my heart.
It’s not empowerment. It’s taking up some f*cking space in my own life.
Cool kids
I see them all gather up and I love it.
There’s a brief twinge of jealousy, but in reality, I could walk over and catch up as much as anyone else. Today, I need to get some stuff done. Today, I want to stay right here in my quiet moments. To be ok with staying to myself.
I’m conserving my energy.
It is ok to stay quiet and keep to myself.
It is also ok to know I can be a part of anything I give my attention to.
I love the smiles, the check in’s.
I get a wave and a smile. Everything is ok, these are my people.
A light switch turned on
You know when you drive out of a particularly foggy spot and you can finally see everything around you, that’s how I felt this week. Like the veil has been lifted and all of a suddenly, I am myself.
It’s said that trauma and low energy people will have you feeling distant from yourself. I have let too much influence me over the years, but I have been actively working on clearing it all out. To be solid in my routines/rituals and my self healing. I keep releasing old stories and old versions of me.
I look in the mirror. There she is the cups queen: intuitive, connected to source, emotional deep. She is me. And I have never felt her energy stronger than now.
I walk a little taller than I have in quite sometime.
Maybe it’s true what they say about women in their 40’s: there are less f*cks to give, so give them accordingly.
Journey Day
I volunteer at the school and it’s a blast.
I chat with teachers and kiddos and the two moms I know.
There is that group of moms that separate themselves, but I don’t play in the cool kid games. I’m just here dressed up like a newsie, taking photos of the kids as they come through. Bear hugs me and makes sure his friends see me too.
This is the whole point: to be the parent your kid’s friend’s high five and ask to come over. The whole point is to make myself available for these things while also taking up my own space and time for my own joys. The days are long but the years go by quickly and I am more determined than ever to make sure I have the kind of relationship with the boys where they call me.
I won’t settle for disappearing and only being part of their childhood.
Five Invitations:
What projects are hiding in journals, in files on your desktop, or hidden somewhere else? What is stopping you from going forward? What would it take to put it into real life (something you can hold, look at etc)?
Summer magic is right around the corner. Have you made a bucket list? What will you do for joy over the summer? I’m obsessed with the alliteration I thought of this weekend: the summer smell of sunscreen. This was part of my childhood and definitely part of the boys. Which leads me to…
What was something you loved to do during summer when your time was still free? Can you bring back some of that freedom and joy you once felt during your summer days?
Have you felt a shift back to yourself lately? Like maybe it’s a little easier or better or something else? A convo with my dad recently, he told me he didn’t believe in “all that self-actualization stuff, there’s too much to do.” How do you feel? Is there a fine line between being and doing? Knowing yourself and being yourself? Do we spend too much time gazing at our own belly buttons?
Were you the cool kid? Are you the cool kid now? Is there a little bit of jealousy of the cool kids now or have you made peace with knowing that in our own way, we are in fact ALL cool to somebody?
As this last week of school approaches and I take the time to really create and enjoy my own time, I want you to know that I can’t wait to share summer adventures with you guys and I hope you share your own summer break!
xo, liz
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