As our official first week of summer break kicked off, we tried to let go of the school year by purging anything left over from the days of books and binders. No alarm clocks were set (and they woke up early!!) and the sense of ease over took everything. It was with this freedom that I had a few epiphanies about myself and what I’m wanting/where I’m going, which i’m kinda of like— of course that’s going to happen! The space to be always brings the being (I just have to laugh at myself when this happens for me).
Boy Mom
It’s while we are standing in line in a parking lot that it really hits me: I’m thoroughly a boy mom. Like yes, duh, right!
But this isn’t in the cute way when the boys were small and it was like yea I have two boys. This was visceral.
I expect rough housing, stinky feet shoved in my face, video games, loud noises, and to have a week’s worth of groceries consumed in an afternoon with friends over. There’s a lot of ball talk and fart jokes. The teasing of friends is constant and also worrisome for me, a woman— because frankly I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who talks to me the way these dudes talk to each other sometimes. I often tell them, “hey tone it down.”
But that’s the thing with boys, they have their own way of doing things.
And I don’t know the rules, I have to trust that they are both finding out themselves as well as finding out how deep a friendship is.
We order the biscuits and it starts to howl wind.
Sprinkles trickle down and instead of heading into the bookshop, they jostle with their friend to get to the car fastest.
”Here are the keys, I’m going to head in for just a minute.”
”Thanks, mom,” A replies.
There are moments when I wish they were softer and gentler, but more for my sake. I am the one who wrestles and plays with them like this, but now friends are replacing me for this and I both feel better for it and wonder what’s too rough?
I remind myself that they have to figure it out.
That somethings are for me to teach and even more,
my role is to be there to help pick up the pieces.
To help facilitate the hang outs and keep them safe.
The figuring out who they are going to be in the world is for them.
I just need to figure out how to be the best boy mom for them.
Joan Didion June
I decide that June is going to be all about Joan Didion.
Where this idea exactly came from, I couldn’t tell you, but it feels like this is not only a guidance on what to read (because that is always a question)— it is also a way to show up this summer.
I print (because I’m old school) a copy of “On Self-Reliance,” “On Keeping a Notebook” and “Good-bye to All That” to read before the new month arrives. I trust that a pair of oversized dark glasses will find me along with the right journal to keep notes this summer.
I map out the reading list (Slouching Towards Bethlehem, Play it as it Lays, The White Album, Where I was From, Magical Year of Thinking, Blue Nights, Let Me Tell You What I Mean). It’s hopeful to get all of these books read, but maybe it turns into July too. Maybe it turns into something else.
I open myself up to receive whatever message it seems wants to come through in why this idea popped in my heart. I’ll learn from Joan.
{If you are interested in having some June/July Joan time, let me know. We can come up with a virtual meet up to talk about all things Joan in August!}
How we do one thing…
I miss the bookshop, morning coffee and chatter but mostly the community and lives of others that I love hearing about. But I have to also say, I love the slowness and not driving everywhere, all the time. I sit on the floor and sip my morning coffee and jot down ideas in my journal.
I spend an hour working on reviving my yoga newsletter and start to plot out more “Let’s Make Art” dates. I let the hibernation slough off of me, as if it has been too long since I really cared about my work.
Yes, my work! The yoga, the making, the holding space.
This is what lights me up.
A reminder that when I show up with passion for one thing, it’s bound to show up in all things.
Driving through what felt like the eye of a hurricane…
The wind was blowing so hard as I drove down the freeway (or is it a highway?), the gusts blowing sideways and the rain in buckets. This was not what I wanted to be doing and despite feeling very panicked about the cars around me, there I was remaining calm in the what felt like the eye of the storm.
When I got off the highway (it’s definitely a highway, I looked it up), the roads were flooded and trees were down. It looked like a mess. But then perfectly over the road, a rainbow. I snapped a quick photo. “Yes, thank you for this reminder” I said out loud to myself or maybe just the universe.
The wreckage was awful: flooding, trees uprooted, people without power.
Nature is like that though, destructive and beautiful.
Answering the “whoo” call
On the second day, I walked out around 2:30 and there it was: turned away but head visible. This time I had the digital camera ready and waited as patiently as I could. And out it hopped, full body.
I’m out of practice with the Nikon and dealing with all the “bells and whistles” feels more like a hinderance than a tool. I send a photo to Erica and she tells me it’s an adult screech owl. Here, I thought it was a baby but that just goes to show what I know. I’ll figure out how to use the camera, I’ll figure out what I’m doing (isn’t that always what I’m trying to do?).
I go out at dusk and it isn’t there.
I hope that it comes out again tomorrow.
Five Invitations:
Have you taken up bird watching yet? I know, it rings of 2020 hobbies to pass the time. Or maybe it echos old lady/old man hobbies, but I’m telling you— it is peaceful and meditative and just the kind of thing that makes you feel alive and connected to it all.
Do you have an idol? A hero? Someone who you look up to and maybe even inspires you to show up in a certain way? This is something I have wanted more for the boys: a hero. I guess, it starts with me having one and so, who is yours?
Is it your summer break yet? What “big” plans do you have? Have you embraced the change of pace that summer calls for? Are you ready for it if it’s not there for you yet?
How do you DO things? With resistance, with joy? Do you heed the call of ideas when they flow to you? Maybe take this week to notice how you do things, then maybe you can decide if that’s how you want to show up.
What storms are you trying to find the calm in? What are your rainbows?
Take this prompt or leave it, it’s for you to decipher what it means and what the answer is.
May has been a flurry of doing and going and endings and beginnings.
Our May songs are minuscule and I’ll wait to share a playlist next month, because I know we will have summer songs. Along with ranking snow cones and pizza, I look forward to sharing silly and wonderful things with you this summer.
xo, liz
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