Sometimes life brings you the contrast that you need to see the joys.
Even if the joys are truly tiny.
Out for pizza twice and we are well known enough to get a free cookie and extra slice. I credit the boys and their invitation to the waitstaff to join us in “Go Fish.”
I hand delivered a skirt I made to a friend and I felt proud of what I made (Skirts and shorts and pants are definitely my jam)! It was good fabric week.
Not everything is going to be roses, coffee, and new book smell.
With the joys, also comes the sorrows.
This week, Bear struggled more than he has all summer and for a brief moment I wanted to throw in the towel on how I want to hold him through these season.
Impulse control, a deep anger, a panache for saying the most hurtful things that can cut an adult down to size, and well, there are weeks that feel more difficult than most. This was one of them.
This summer has been pretty good for him.
We have done a good job on keeping his little nervous system regulated and keeping him active. Swimming, morning and evening walks, screen time but not too much. After his crash out, as the kids call it, I sat down with my journal and tried to make sense of why his summer good mood had shifted.
He had enough protein, plenty of exercise and movement.
Maybe he could have had some more water and a little less Goldfish crackers.
A came to check on me and it dawned on me that what is shifting for Bear is that his brother is getting older, A will turn 13 in October and he is starting to pull away from his brother. And from me, as he should.
We’ve had this conversation a lot lately, “A is needing his own space too,” “A is starting to get into stuff that is a little too old for you,” “Hey Bear, that’s not really age appropriate.”Isn’t this the human condition? To want things to stay the same when they are always changing and growing, including ourselves, but the familiar and the known is preferred, no matter that life is change. Oh, the challenges we face, but mostly ourselves standing in our own way!
Yes, I think I have held the boys back from a lot of more grown up stuff, partly due to their Montessori schooling for so many years, but also, why rush into more action packed movies? Or rush them into adulthood at all?
But with that slower pace comes a rush to catch up to his peers.
A wants to be able to play Fortnite without his little brother joining in every party or to be able to chat with his friends without his brother around.
And I wonder, how much Bear feels like he is being left behind?
How much does this impact his emotional disregulation?
I’m the oldest in my family.
Even with my step siblings on both remarriages, I remain the oldest child and daughter. I can understand how A feels and relate to that strong urge to “just get to do what I want to do.” The want of having something just for myself.
I’m not saying I can’t relate to Bear as he clings to his older brother’s friendship, I can imagine it kinda feels like being forgotten at school pick up. Just standing there wondering how this happened.
This week, I held Bear close to me, despite me having been on the other side of his anger a mere 15 minutes before. I told him that we would find something that helped him. I promised I would double my efforts to make sure he wasn’t going to have this cycle of anger, shame, and sorrow forever. That we would work together to quiet his mind. Somethings will take time, like going to the chiropractor and balancing his diet. Other things will be a faster result, like daily exercise and potentially medication. Even writing these words, makes me feel a little sick to my stomach and yet….
“Sometimes I Feel Like There's A Hole Inside Of Me, An Emptiness That At Times Seems To Burn. I Think If You Lifted My Heart To Your Ear, You Could Probably Hear The Ocean.” —Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic
I have given my all to my boys and I would do it again.
I’ve known for years now, that I was meant to parent differently.
Not just show up the same standard ways my parents and their parents and the ones before them. I knew I wanted to be ridiculously present for it all.
For these short 18 years, I wanted to build a relationship with my boys.
And I did. I have.
Now, I see they are needing something more from me.
I need something more from myself, too.
To be outrageously myself, showing them that no matter what— when you stop trying to be liked by everyone, you find the people who like you just as you are.
To be their voice in a world that doesn’t yet listen to children or value them as such an important gauge on society. I know my experience with Bear isn’t solitary. I have talked with a lot of mamas lately that have shared very similar experiences to mine and I feel less alone in my struggles.
Another tiny joy.
When we truly share what is happening with someone, we may find that we are less alone than we thought. Things do happen all together, all at once.
This week made me appreciate all the little memories I share here.
The hugs, the sweet moments, even the arguments about leaving the dang house for pizza. It’s made me appreciate all the personal heart ache I have had over these last five years, because there was a time where I crashed out and felt like giving up. Instead, I took the steps to be right here. With the boys, holding their hands through it all. In the good times and in the shit ones too.
Thanks for being here for the very honest parts of motherhood, life, and all the in-between. As much as I love looking for the sparks of joy, this humbling week has brought back the duality of my life. The as above, so below kind of reminder.
Nothing happens in a vacuum; if it happens to one of us, it for sure is happening to all of us. I’m rooting for you too!
xo, liz
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